i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
