hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
