I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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