I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
