@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
