if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
he quoted the bible to break up with me
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I wish there were birth control emojis
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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