If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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