You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
