highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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