Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
