im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
