Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize