I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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