i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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