all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.