I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
