Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
