I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
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quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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