she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
