I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
