I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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