New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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