I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
