its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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