i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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