I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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