WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
