so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
