he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
