She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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