Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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