She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
