The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
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how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
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I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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