dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
