If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
