chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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