Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
