Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
