shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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