My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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