it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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