yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
