masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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