my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
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Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
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you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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