In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
