I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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