Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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