I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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