I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
