its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
