atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she pinky promised me she was 18
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
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Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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