Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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