that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
