Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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